DeGioia Gives Five Students Campus Tour, Kills The Four He Finds Unworthy Of Inheriting University

Written by Alexandra Bowman

Edited by Brady Condon

Graphic by Brady Condon

Just now, a top-hat-and-bowtie-sporting Georgetown University president John DeGioia has been found standing over the deceased bodies of four students, claiming that they were “unworthy of inheriting my scrumdiddlyumptious university.”

“Oh, those four are going to be just fine. I’ve just sent the four of them on a little journey. Where? To the Great Beyond, of course!” said a giddy Mr. DeGioia, dancing a little jig and waggling his purple cane at the bodies. “It’s absolutely terrific! I’m absolutely delighted that I’ve finally found a student with the guts and gumption to run this place after I retire. By golly, I’m just fizzwiggled!” Mr. DeGioia suddenly broke into a funny little skipping dance and sprouted the bushy tail of a squirrel.

The student in question was SFS freshman Carly Porridge, who seemed right jolly about the unfolding scene.

“Why would I be bothered? I think the University is the most wonderful place in the whole world!” said Porridge. “Of course it’s unfortunate that those four children were done away with simply for asking too early in the tour why we cultivate the Hanging Tulip Gardens of Babylon every year while a 2016 report found that 54% of Georgetown students experienced food insecurity at least once a week (look it up!). I’m inheriting this wonderful university! Isn’t it just lovely?” Porridge laughed and hugged her grinning grandpa, who was for whatever reason Dick Cheney.

When we questioned DeGioia’s army of sprites about this situation, they broke into whimsical song:

“Dear friends, we surely all agree

There’s almost nothing worse to see

Than some repulsive little Hoya

Questioning our dear DeGioia.

Those four children—little beasts—

Will soon be DeGioia’s feast!”

The sprites then explained to us that in fairness to them, there are only so many words that rhyme with “beasts.” Thus, DeGioia has to commit to the bit.

And in fairness to Georgetown, George Washington University recently moved all their students into a giant peach floating down the Potomac, and thirty-five students have already been eaten by sharks. The grass isn’t always greener.