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  • Writer's pictureThe Hilltop Show

God Outsources Judgment Day To Philodemic Society Members

Updated: Jan 22, 2022

In order to focus more on other projects, God has recently announced the outsourcing of Judgment Day to Georgetown’s own Philodemic Society.

“I really trust their work,” Our Father told the Hilltop Show. “We have at least three philosophy minors among them, so Final Judgment is in good hands.”

The Philodemicians already have similar experience with judgment, debating not only the validity of Santa’s Naughty list, but also the human worth of Republican men.

Some eager Philodemicians have been warming up for their divinely-assigned task. Just yesterday, Sally Pratt, newly-appointed Lead Arbiter of the Lord’s Mercy, tabled in Red Square and promised Total Salvation to all who believe in her. But to balance things out, she sentenced fourteen members of the Men’s Crew Team to Eternal Hellfire.

“I was the Illinois State Champion in Lincoln-Douglas debate.” Pratt said. “So I feel like we’ll be able to hammer out Final Judgment in an evening.”


Written by Brady Condon

Graphic by Brady Condon

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