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  • Writer's pictureThe Hilltop Show

Seven Fun New Workouts To Try At Yates

Recently, it was announced to Georgetown students that Yates Field House, the white whale of every Hoya’s New Year’s resolution, would open sooner than expected. Unfortunately, that means you no longer have an excuse to avoid working out, unless you are the godforsaken student that is busy between 1 pm and 8 pm daily. For many, including the author of this piece, working out is something completely out of our wheelhouse. It’s like old, arcane magic that would let me walk from my dorm to class and back without wanting to rip out both of my kneecaps.

However, I’m on a deadline. My boss has tied me to a moving treadmill and won’t let me go home until I come up with some new and exciting workout routines, so here’s the seven fun workouts I’ve managed to think of between cries for help. If you don’t hear from me in the next four days, my coordinates are 38.89511, -77.03637. Bring a SWAT Team (and maybe Clif Bars).

1. Existential Yells

Looking for a way to show everyone you work out? What better way to establish dominance than to shriek like a banshee every time you touch a dumbbell? The louder the better. Just get a pair of dumbbells and cry to the heavens.

Equipment Required: A foul vocabulary, and/or guttural yelling. Think Viking.

Muscle Groups Used: Throat, vocal cords, maybe arms for added drama.

Potential Risk: Your voice might be too hoarse to tell your roommate that he’s been using your shampoo again. Not a big deal but, like, I paid for that.

2. The Tom Brady

A workout coined by the GOAT of Football, the only 44-year-old man who is still legally allowed to wear shorts. I’m not really sure what this workout entails, but it looks like it works for him.

Equipment Required: Football (or so I’ve been told), an entire Whole Foods’ worth of avocados, about $250 million, a supermodel wife, and an eternal chip on your shoulder.

Muscle Groups Used: Arms, Legs, the backs of a Superbowl-winning defense.

Potential Risk: May suffer from deflated balls, Eli Manning.

3. Swimming And Winning

Want to go back to the comfort of the amniotic fluid you once felt as a homunculus? Look no further than the chemically-laced swimming pool. Show off your swimming abilities: breaststroke, backstroke, doggy paddle. And if those chemicals pull through, the dead man’s float.

Equipment Required: Lifeguard, cute two-piece, enough chlorine to convince the UN that maybe there were WMDs in Iraq all along.

Muscle Groups Used: Your entire body (holy cow, swimming is a lot more draining than I remember).

Potential Risk: Last time I went in there I got this wicked headache, so go at your own risk.

4. Mirror Flexes

This one is also great for at-home workouts in case Yates closes again. All you need is a mirror and your beautiful body. Yes, even you–especially you. Just roll up that sleeve, show the world your beautiful arms, your great abs. Hell, your butt would definitely go viral on Instagram. Who needs a good body when you’ve got the sheer confidence to make your Missed Connection want you? But in fairness, they’re not going to make the first move either.

Equipment Required: Mirror, Phone, Instagram password (and email password for when you forget it).

Muscle Groups Used: Fingers, Arms (flexed), Abs (flexed), Glutes (photoshopped).

Potential Risk: You may catch your own gaze and turn to stone, as has happened to every other Gorgon.

5. The Equipment Spotter

A good cool-down stretch. Just walk up to a piece of equipment, and look at it.

Equipment Required: Piece of equipment.

Muscle Groups Used: Eyes, quads and calves (from standing), judgment.

Potential Risk: May be startled by weights.

6. The Outside Log

Much like the titular log outside of Yates, nobody knows what it is, nor its purpose. Either way, it’ll look nice enough, and make people wonder what could have been if someone just did their job. Instead we got a glorified stick.

Equipment Required: Titular Log, a vague sense of loss and longing.

Muscle Groups Used: Imagination, Ennui.

Potential Risk: May lose track of what you’re doing and just stand there like an idiot. Tour Guides have never spoken about you, and would not know what to do if asked.

7. Fetal Curls

The quintessential ending stretch, perfect after a long emotional day in the gym in which you may or may not have felt confusing feelings towards your spotter. Understandable. Looking at one person on top of you for that long does things to you. Simply go to the corner of the locker room, curl up in the fetal position, and cry as the weight of existence hits you. For extra points, turn this into twelve good crunch reps.

Equipment Required: Safe spot in locker room (pro tip: in the sauna, people won’t be able to tell if it’s sweat or tears)!

Muscle Groups Used: Tear ducts, emotional strength, core.

Potential Risk: Once you curl up into that squishy little ball, you may never want to leave.

Written by Brady Condon

Edited by Alexandra Bowman

Graphic by Brady Condon

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