Written by Brady Condon
As we enter the 2022 spring semester, every man, woman, child, and rat at Georgetown is sitting at the edge of their seat for the biggest event of the year: the reveal of the GU Politics Fellows. Much to my surprise, I have not received anything yet from GU Politics asking me to be a fellow.
While I am sure that they probably mistyped my email address, another possibility is that they may simply think I’d turn them down. While that is true for most colleges asking me to become a fellow at their school’s political institutes (eat your heart out, Harvard and Yale!), I couldn’t turn down such an offer to pass on my wisdom to the next generation of people my age and older.
So yes, I accept the offer you’ve been meaning to give me. I have already made my plans to arrive by chariot, and to keep a ragtag choral group at hand at all times. All I need is a nice, platonic (and I mean platonic) dinner with President DeGioia, that’s all I ask. But if for some inexplicable reason I was NOT selected by GU Politics, I want to take the time today to enumerate three reasons describing precisely why I am the perfect fit.
1. I am young.
(Though I’m over 18, so still eligible for Ohio Lieutenant Governor!) For too long, people of past generations have held the keys to the city, and to my house; it is finally time to change the locks. Politicians often talk about encouraging youth participation, and what better way to do that than to bring in someone who wasn’t even born when Tom Brady came into the NFL. Past Fellows have lost touch with my generation’s experiences. I bet Ben Sasse hasn’t been banned from the Club Penguin servers for inappropriate language.
2. I’m an outsider.
To get into this business, you have to have a lot of motivation. However, unlike many in Washington, I have no ambition whatsoever! I’m honestly just here to hang. Sure, it would be nice to take the presidential limo for a ride every now and then, and having my own stamp would be nice, but what’s that in comparison to a good bucket o’ wings? To be honest, I’d give up the nuclear codes for a half-used Buffalo Wild Wings gift card. I probably will at some point.
3. Only I can fix it.
Unlike those in power today (I’m looking at you, Clarence Thomas!), I actually believe in the original words of our founders. I look deep into the historical records, and follow our four great leaders: John Adams, Paul Revere, George Washington, and Ringo Starr. For example, you play Magical Mystery Tour in reverse, not only will you find solutions to our two-party system and increased voter apathy, but you’ll also get to hear Ringo give you a recipe for a pretty decent goulash.
So I hope I convince you kind people at GU Politics to choose me to be one of this spring semester’s Fellows. In my heart, I know you will make the right decision, and I’ll be three weeks late, the chariot rental company takes forever.