HELP WANTED: The Hilltop Show Seeks Official Photographer of Ranit Mishori
A Plea To Finally Have More Than One Picture Of Her In Existence For Some Reason
Washington, DC, US
Part-Time (Or just take like, two or three photos of her and call it a day. That’s all we ask. Please.)
JOB DESCRIPTION: The Hilltop Show is seeking a staff photographer who will take maybe two–or maybe three max–pictures of Dr. Ranit Mishori, Georgetown’s Chief Public Health Officer, a day.
Mishori is a major figure in the lives of Georgetown students. Her manifold powers range from prohibiting food and drink in Lau to controlling whether we come back to campus–and thus whether we will be soul-crushingly lonely at home, or soul-crushingly lonely at school. Despite this woman’s inconceivable power over our ability to feel joy, as well as her photogenic smile, she is relatively photographically absent. There is only, like, one photo of her. Maybe two if you screenshot old interviews with her, or if you can deep-fake a photo from just her eyes in that picture of her in a mask at the Kennedy Center. But still. One photo.
This is that photo.
Let’s just say this. We at the Hilltop Show work tirelessly to bring you the most accurate, timely balderdash we possibly can. We’ve already had four people die of exhaustion on the job, and six of my fingers have been ground down to raw reddened nubs from all the typing of headlines. We’ve already done two headlines about this lady, and we’ve had to use the same photo in both graphics. We know you’ve noticed, and we know you think we’re a cheap, incorrigibly lazy organization because of it. The regret makes us physically ill.
Even our colleagues at the Heckler have been forced into using the very same photo. We promise it’s not just us. Oh, the humanity!
(And this headline is 100% right.)
The madness must end. Thus, out of the goodness of our hearts, we are more than happy to offer one of the photos you will take, esteemed applicant, to the Heckler for their usage. Simply out of a spirit of decency: for the sake of the glorious, anti-charitable cause that is satire. But rest assured that we will demand full credit from the Heckler, as well as compounding interest and their firstborn children.
Own a camera, or phone, or camera obscura. Or have someone die in front of her so the last thing their eyes see and then reflect eternally in death is her. You know that old superstition? No? Fine, just bring your phone.
Maybe some surveillance cameras too if she’s elusive. After all, none of us have ever seen her. In fact, she might be Todd Olson in disguise, back from the grave (which is Mount Mercy University, apparently) to haunt us all with overbearing, irritating rules that will probably save our stupid selves from getting this disease.
Full twenty minutes of availability, at a minimum.
Knowing where she eats lunch
Knowing her Instagram handle so you can tell us who to tag. (oh, wow, she does have an Instagram. And a Twitter, too?)
Being able to Google her (...wait. There are a few other photos of her here. Are you serious? There are a solid two or three other photos here with good lighting and easy backgrounds to remove in Photoshop for PNG purposes.)
Well. Never mind.
Actually–come to think of it, we only have one photo of Bob Groves and two photos of DeGioia. If you’re willing to do extra work without pay (like all good little Georgetown students are), then get a couple of those too.
By Alex Bowman
Edited by Brady Condon